When are you gonna?

“When are you gonna take responsibility for your actions?”

How many times did you hear that growing up? “You gotta take responsibility for your actions.” I used to hear that a lot. When I was growing up, I got into a fight or I would get into trouble at school. Something would happen with one of my cousins or one of my family members and I would get into it. It seemed like I was always being told, “take responsibility for your actions, Nico.” I probably should have listened to that at a young age because the lack of responsibility for myself really drove me into a pit of recklessness, brokenness, homelessness, a bunch of bad-ness. I believe that as we take responsibility for ourselves, we begin to develop.

Personal responsibility for personal development is what can skyrocket us from the cycles that we're in. When I would use here's how some of my self talk would go, “man, my girl is bothering me. What's her problem. I pay for her gas. I pay for her phone. I give her money all the time.” “ She's taken care of. I don't know why she's so upset.” I was helping my girl out at the time, But I wasn't taking responsibility for my actions. You see, just breaking off some bread is easy. Pretty much anybody can do that, but can you be present? Can you be responsible for how you act?

You see, one of the problems that me and her used to have is that she would get so frustrated with me because I would I get off of work an stop by the gas station. Pick me up something to drink. When I got off of work, I text her like, yo, roll through, come to the house. Let's hang out, she'd get to the house I'd meet her here Get something to eat or Cook, maybe go do something. But I could always tell that she was just frustrated with me towards the end. It's like I couldn't ever do anything Right. After taking responsibility for my part and doing self-reflection I believe She was frustrated with me telling her, “Hey, I got a problem with drinking” and not taking any responsibility for changing that problem.

From her perspective, I could only imagine her thought being “I believe you said you have a problem. Why are you inviting me over? And then you're drinking.” I had no personal responsibility for my actions towards her because I had no personal responsibility for my actions at all. I wasn't dealing with the internal issues that were going on and therefore I had no courage to go after what I really wanted so I would go back and forth, “I can stop drinking…. I don't want to stop.” “Yeah I wanna stop drinking. Yeah, I wanna stop using, but I still wanna feel that comfort. Yes. I still wanna feel that pleasure. Yes. I still wanna escape that pain”I had to ask myself which one's more important. Is it more important to take responsibility for yourself to see the goal and pursue that only or is it more important not to damage my own ego. I think for many of us the hindrance is that we're pursuing a worthwhile or noble goal.

I think at least for me, the problem that I have in pursuing those worthwhile and noble goals is that I could do it without my own self worth. You see for so long, I didn't feel like I was worthy to have anything good. A great girlfriend, a great relationship. I didn't feel like I was worthy of it. Got a great job. I didn't feel like I was worthy of it. Somebody hooked me up. I didn't feel like I was worthy of it because I had already designated my self worth. I did not allow any other type of goals to happen when my self worth was low. When I knew like, “Yo Nico, you, you made it outta some shit.” followed by “ How did you do it? Got no idea, but you made it out.” Then I had to ask myself “So what are you gonna do with it?” That's when I started to realize, “holy cow, Nico, you actually got some stuff. You got some juice, you know how to move, you know how to make decisions and follow through.” Question, when you were pursuing getting that dope sack or bottle and you didn't have any money when you were figuring out how to get fucked up without any cash, ride or prospects of any of it, I bet you that day, you got messed up! I bet you, when you want to use you can get high, how can we take that personal responsibility and use it? cuz that's what it is! You're taking personal responsibility for making yourself feel better. Just do it in a bad way. I'm sorry, not in a bad way. You're using bad substances. You're using things that are unhealthy, unhealthy to you in many ways.

How can you go after that and get it done then come and tell me or go and tell your loved one or sit down at a table and tell somebody who's trying to help you out. “Oh, I can't do that. I've never done something like that before”. You haven't ever done something like shooting up before the first time you did it and you completed it because you believed it would help you in some way. Then you chase it all the time. Our minds are so twisted and they get so clouded with drugs and alcohol that we forget. If I want a 20 sack today, I'm gonna go get that thing. If I want to get drunk tonight, I'm gonna go get that thing.

How come we can't use that same type of pursuit, that personal responsibility to ‘feel better’, that courage to do something risky. How come we can't take all of that and apply it towards bettering ourselves? Or why don't we?

Can you take your personal responsibility to do better today? Will you figure out a way that you will get this done? Get to your definition of sober? Because my friend you've done it plenty of times before. What's the motive? What's the pursuit and how bad do you want it?

I am here to help guide and do nothing else. I have my own journey of recovery to go on. I don't like seeing people struggle. So that's why I wanna save you some time and energy. If you feel like you need more assistance schedule a strategy session at www.NoHaloNM.com